prefer to listen instead of read? [click here for the audio version]
a compassionate, evidence-based guide
1. self-harm is a coping skill—not just attention-seeking
it might look alarming on the outside, but for many teens, self-harm is a way to manage inner distress. they’re not trying to manipulate or dramatize, they’re trying to regulate. when emotions feel too big, self-harm can be a way to release pressure. for others, who feel numb or dissociative, it can be a way to feel something; to feel real or come back to their bodies.
sometimes it’s tied to deep shame or self-loathing. some teens describe wanting to punish themselves, while others mention the sensation or sight of blood as oddly soothing or satisfying. these may sound scary to hear—but they all point to one truth: this behavior is serving a purpose.
when we can acknowledge that, without judgment, we shift from fear to curiosity. and curiosity opens the door to support.
2. evidence-based support really helps
in therapy, especially using dialectical behavior therapy (dbt), we teach teens to recognize why they want to harm, and to build other ways to meet that need. if they’re overwhelmed, we teach grounding and distress tolerance skills. if they feel numb, we help them reconnect to their body in safe ways. if they feel shame, we work on self-compassion and identity.
dbt, cbt, and trauma-informed approaches all offer real tools to help teens navigate these urges—and replace them over time with healthier options.
3. there are strategies they can do instead
if you’re wondering what to suggest instead of self-harming, here are some simple strategies that align with different needs:
-
if they feel overwhelmed:
hold ice cubes, take a brisk walk, splash cold water on their face, squeeze a stress ball, or do paced breathing (like inhale for 4, exhale for 6) -
if they feel numb or disconnected:
take a hot or cold shower, do intense movement (like jumping jacks or dancing), chew something spicy or sour, or use strong sensory input like a textured object or essential oils -
if they want to punish themselves:
write down the harsh thoughts, then challenge them with kinder truths
wrap themselves in a blanket or sweatshirt and imagine “protecting” their inner child
write a letter to themselves from a future, healed version of who they’re becoming -
if they want to see blood or marks:
draw red lines with a washable marker or paint
draw artwork on the body where they usually harm
the goal isn’t to shame the urge—it’s to understand what’s underneath it, and offer something else that meets the same need in a safer way.
4. safety matters—so limit access when needed
many parents ask, “should i take things away?” and the answer is: it depends on safety and trust.
for younger teens or in more acute situations, it’s absolutely okay to limit access to sharp objects, razors, or other tools. you can store them in a locked space or simply keep them out of bedrooms. this isn’t about control—it’s about reducing risk while still working on the underlying cause.
you can say something like:
“i know this is hard. i want to support you while we figure out other ways to cope. for now, i’m going to hold onto anything that could be unsafe—not as punishment, but because you matter.”
5. connection matters more than perfection
you don’t need the perfect words. you just need presence. check in regularly. ask how they’ve been feeling, without pushing too hard. validate their experience. tell them they’re not alone—even if you don’t understand the urge, you want to understand them.
if therapy isn’t accessible right now, start small. one calm conversation, one safe adult, one reminder that they’re not broken—these things add up.
therapist’s note:
self-harm isn’t just about danger—it’s about distress. when we respond with compassion, curiosity, and clarity, we help teens feel less alone. and when they feel less alone, they’re more likely to reach out for help.
resources if you or your teen need support:
-
988 suicide and crisis lifeline: call or text 988, or chat via 988lifeline.org — available 24/7, free, and confidential
-
crisis text line: text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained crisis counselor
-
for parents: childmind.org and jedfoundation.org have excellent articles and guides for supporting teens who self-harm
-
if you’re outside the u.s., visit [findahelpline.com], which lists international hotlines by country
disclaimer:
this post is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical, therapeutic, or mental health advice. if you or someone you love is struggling or in danger, please reach out to a licensed mental health provider or call one of the resources above for immediate support.
follow @parentingteengirls_ for more support or join our evolving parenting group. we’re growing through this together.
0 comments